It's half-term here at The Orange Rag Institute of Legal Technology & Higher Education and the pupils and staff are off on their holidays. I'm also heading off to foreign parts with Matron (in fact by the time you read this, cheese-eating French surrender monkey striking railway workers permitting, we'll be somewhere at the bottom of the English Channel – on a train that is) and we'll be sending in a few postcards from our travels – and hopefully will also be able to publish some of your stories (or press releases) – assuming we can find a half-way decent internet connection.

Where are we going? Well it won't be here…

My name is Captain Matthew Stamford of the US Marine corps stationed in Kabul, Afghanistan, I found some money stashed in a couple of barrels while on patrol ($900,000) I need someone to help me move it to a safer place, please have it in mind that there is no danger involved. You may contact me on usmarine118@****** so that I can provide you with more details.

…as this must surely be the worst spam/phishing/scam we've ever encountered. Even if it were genuine, the mythical Captain Stamford would be hard pressed to find anyone wanting to scrabble around Afghanistan looking for some dodgy cash. As our own dear Liam Fox recently remarked “it's a broken 13th century country”. (Although admittedly we may have broken it in the first place.)

But back to The Orange Rag… As is traditional with this august establishment, as headmaster I have to give my half-term report to Assembly and I'm sad to report that some pupils really must try harder. In particular, some of the students on the PR for Beginners Course have been submitting stories that are, frankly, incomprehensible. Far too much waffle about the features and not enough about the benefits.

So your system is now Sharepoint 2010 compatible – but don't impress me much – I want to know what, if any, benefits that will deliver to users. There are good products out there that are being under-promoted because their benefits are buried beneath technical jargon. We have made a note of the PR students in question and for the rest of the summer term, instead of mixed sports & showers on a Friday afternoon, they will have a double class of RI (religious instruction). We can only pray this works and they realise the error of their ways.

Now I can see Matron has pulled on her latex surgical gloves and is saying something about it being time for my examination, so I must go.